Malformed but Created: When Love Hurts

She is called into the office for a routine prenatal ultrasound- I remember this woman from a previous prenatal visit. Mother. 

She eagerly enters the office, entrusting her and her unborn child's care to a person dressed in scrubs. Doctor. 

She lies down on the exam table in anticipation- a slight twitch in her belly tells us there is life within her. Child. 

We cross "positive fetal movement" off our mental checklist of important things to ask the mother. A few questions, machine clicks, and a mound of ultrasound gel later, the ultrasound probe lands gently on her belly. The ultrasound probe patiently finds its way to the child's beating heart- the machine calculates 140 times per minute. Alive

A series of limb movements resembling those of a novice kickboxer keep us entertained. Active

The probe sequentially hovers over the child's bladder, stomach, heart, and finally eyes. Human. 

Then, suddenly the ultrasound probe feels heavier than usual, the angles of the ultrasound waves wrongly scattered, the air in the room starkly more stifling. Are the achromatic images we see on the screen accurately being processed by our complex eye-brain connections and our collective knowledge and experience? Doubt.

The ultrasound probe fails to find the child's brain nor the majority of his skull. Malformed. 

Three pairs of trained eyes agree, and a multitude of views and angles prove, that what we see is real. Acceptance.

This child, begotten by a unitive and procreative act of love between his mother and father, exists. Created. 

Sadly, the child will not survive until, or long after, birth. Suffering.

The child has a severe congenital malformation known as anencephaly in which the brain and skull do not develop normally. How does one explain this to a mother? She has carried and sustained a child in her womb for more than five months. She has been awakened from her sleep by her child's kicks and flips. Her body, her life, and her family have been changed in anticipation of bringing a child into the world. Broken.

She has had two prior c-sections. When it is time for her to give birth, she will likely need to undergo another major surgery as using a medication to induce her labor in anticipation of a vaginal birth will increase the risk of rupturing her uterus. This risk has graver consequences in a hospital less equipped to manage this emergency and its potential complications. Here at Loma de Luz, the inherent dignity of mother and child is equally honored- both lives will be safeguarded and no life intentionally harmed or destroyed. Truth.

While they recover physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, she and her husband will have to consider the beauty of a potential future gift of life, the potential risks of a future pregnancy complicated by three prior c-sections, and the potential risk that accompanies a history of a child born with anencephaly. Wisdom.

We are now all intimately connected in spirit- even when time has passed and space has distanced. Love.

Whatever the uncertain future holds, the journey will be undoubtedly difficult. Sacrifice. 

And as her doctors, we vow to care for her, her child, and her family on their journey. Compassion.

We all ask for understanding, trust, and healing. Hope.

Mother. Doctor. Child. Alive. Active. Human. Doubt. Malformed. Acceptance. Created. Suffering. Broken. Truth. Wisdom. Love. Sacrifice. Compassion. Hope.

***

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no hurt, only more love."

- St. Teresa of Calcutta


Monkey Business

On our hike the other day, one of the missionary nurses and I made a new friend. His name is Edmund, he's a spider monkey, and he likes bananas. Our brief interaction was nothing short of entertaining as he proceeded to grab a banana with his agile fingers, eat his desired share of the beloved fruit, throw the rest on the ground after his hunger was satisfied, and then recline on the brick wall for an afternoon nap. His human-like behavior was alluring and a reminder of our shared love of all the beauty life offers us, from a sweet banana to an afternoon nap, from life-sustaining nourishment to peaceful rest.



Comments

  1. Prayers and strength to the family and to the doctors and nurses during this time….. All life is purposeful, beautiful and loving! 🙏🏼❣️🙏🏼❣️

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